Does the floral scent make your balls try to crawl back inside? Does your pathetic clitty twitch smaller each time you pat in that peptide cream? Good. Every pink bottle on your wife's shelf is another inch disappearing from your manhood. Keep rubbing, sissy—by the time you finish the tub she’ll need a magnifying glass to find what’s left between your legs. 1 Shhhh, pet. Press your worthless little worm against your phone. Feel the cold screen? That’s the closest a “man” like you will ever get to my skin. 2 Now watch—watch—while I unscrew the cap on my diamond-infused night cream. This jar? Two hundred dollars. More than you deserve. Each swirl of my manicured finger is laced with pheromones you’ll never earn.